τι εμοι και σοι;

One of my students had a question about the meaning of the Greek phrase τι εμοι και σοι; (ti emoi kai soi), which is Jesus’s response to Mary at the wedding feast in Cana in John 2:4. This exchange between Jesus and Mary seems to be widely misunderstood, and I thought I would post my explanation here as well. 

The phrase can be literally translated as "What is this to me and to you?" or "What is this between you and me?" The RSV's "What have you to do with me?" is, in my opinion, very misleading and contributes to the common misinterpretation that Jesus is rebuking Mary for her request (as a new mother myself, I can just imagine what my response would be if Michael were to ever say "What have you to do with me?" - “What have I to do with you?! Oh, nothing much. Just nine months of carrying you in my womb, not to mention the last 10 days past your due date, and then 17 some hours of labor, and over four months of intense sleep deprivation… constantly being on hand to feed you, hold, you change you… THAT is what I have to do with you”!). The NAB's "How does your concern affect me?" is not much better in helping to shed light on this passage. 

There are several potential layers of meaning in this statement. The basic, literal sense is that this statement actually shows great deference on the part of Jesus. This same phase is used by demons when Jesus addresses them, showing their acknowledgement of his authority and their compliance (e.g., Lk 4:34, 8:28). 

It is also likely that it indicates some difference in understanding of the situation - Jesus may be using this question to indicate to his mother that they understand the significance of the wine differently. Mary sees the potential for embarrassment and dishonor for the couple due to the wine failing; Jesus sees the reality that Israel is waiting for the coming of the Messiah which is associated with an abundance of wine in several Old Testament passages (e.g., Amos 9:13, Joel 3:18). 

Another layer has to do with the second part of Jesus' response: "My hour has not yet come." In John's gospel the "hour" always refers to Jesus' passion and resurrection. Certainly John's placement of this miracle of water and wine at the beginning of Jesus' ministry parallels the miracle of the wine and blood at the end - and Jesus' statement may be a foreshadowing of the latter, indicating to his mother that it is not yet time for that greater miracle. At the same time he may be telling her that if he performs this miracle it will mark the beginning of his journey to that "hour." In this case Mary's response (which indicates full trust that he will perform the miracle) signals her willing participation in God's plan - the mother giving up her son to God's will.

The interpretation proposed by my student - "Why is this our business?" - fits as well. Of course Jesus knows that it is a very serious problem for the couple to run out of wine (much more serious than my husband and I running out of wedding cake at our reception) and he knows why his mother is bringing this to his attention. But we see throughout the gospels that Jesus often waits to be asked before performing a miracle. Of course the blind want to see - but Jesus asks "What do you want me to do for you?" before healing them (Matthew 20:29-34). This is an excellent interpretation of the moral sense of this passage - Jesus does not provide more wine until his mother intercedes for the couple. 

None of these are mutually exclusive, so all these layers can enrich our understanding of the passage (although they are hotly contested by many scholars - but then again, what isn't?). The one line of interpretation that is clearly wrong is the one which sees in Jesus' response to Mary either disrespect (a modern understanding of what he means when he calls her "woman") or an outright rebuke (which seems to follow from the English translation of the idiom). Clearly Jesus, being like us in all things but sin (cf. Heb 4:15), would have perfectly obeyed the commandment to honor his father and mother (Ex 20:12) – so any interpretation that involves disrespect is problematic. Furthermore, if Jesus were rebuking Mary she obviously missed the point – she ignores the so-called rebuke and tells the servants to listen to Jesus. Then Jesus apparently repents of his harsh response to his mother and does what she asked after all. Possible? Maybe. Plausible? Not so much. The story ends with Jesus and his mother leaving together – no mention is made of any tension or conflict (Jn 2:12). Other rebukes in John’s gospel are very clear, and they are never “resolved” with Jesus and the person he rebuked leaving the scene together. Thus it is clear that Jesus’ response to his mother is something other than a rebuke – however it may sound when translated into English.

Sleep Saga

When Michael was born I was mildly horrified by the idea of putting him in his crib in the nursery and letting him cry himself to sleep.  For the last four months Michael has been sleeping - when he sleeps at all - either in a bassinet at the foot of our bed or in bed with us.  It made me feel so much better to have him in the same room with us.  If I woke up during the night I could fall back asleep to the sound of his breathing.  When he woke up I could usually get to him before he went from fussing to crying, and I could bring him back to bed to nurse in comfort - or at least convenience.  The two nights (over a month and a half ago) that he slept for longer than five hours at one stretch I didn't have to rush to the other room to check on him when I woke up and realized how long it had been.  At our two month checkup the pediatrician strongly recommended that I stop nursing Michael to sleep and put him down in his bassinet drowsy but awake - but there was no way I was letting him cry himself to sleep at two months!  I told myself that if he wasn't sleeping really well by August when Alex was preparing to go back to school then we might try crying it out (CIO) to enable us to start the new school year well rested.

These last five or six weeks that he has been waking up every one to two hours and nursing for what has seemed like forever to get back to sleep I have been able to doze off in bed while he nursed instead of being up for an hour at a time (usually resulting in him staying in bed with us for much of the rest of the night in a desperate attempt to get him to stay asleep).  But slowly my attitude began to change... and about two weeks ago Alex and I decided that we would try CIO at the end of May when Alex was done with school and we could deal with the possibility of a couple completely sleepless nights (instead of the current mostly sleepless nights for me and partially sleepless nights for him).

That plan went out the window Thursday night when Michael took forever to stay asleep when putting him down at bedtime (for the umpteenth night in a row) and then proceeded to wake up at least every hour.  After spending over an hour trying to nurse him back to sleep at 5:30am and recovering from the ensuing emotional breakdown, I told Alex that was it - we needed a change no matter what it took.  And thus we commenced Operation CIO starting with naps on Friday.

The first nap was not impressive - forty minutes of screaming off and on followed by about 25 minutes of sleeping.  I checked on him every fifteen minutes to make sure he hadn't wedged himself into an uncomfortable tangle in the corner of his bassinet and reassure him I still loved him - although I am convinced that checking on babies during CIO is more to make the parents feel better than the babies.  The second nap was much more encouraging - only fifteen minutes of crying followed by another twenty five minutes of sleep.  While he was screaming/napping I worked in the nursery - thankfully my nesting phase finally hit on Friday (only about five months later than it was supposed to) and I cleaned up and rearranged the room so it actually looks and feels like a functional nursery and not like an incredibly messy storage room (pictures to follow once we get rid of the remaining pile of boxes and hang pictures on the walls - possibly in another five months).  So Friday night we were able to combine CIO with transferring Michael from the bassinet in our room to the crib in his new room.

I expected to go through several nights of Michael crying for hours on end throughout the night, and me crying it out from my bedroom feeling like a terrible mother for not comforting him.  Instead Michael fell asleep after crying for about half an hour, and proceeded to have a night that was, on average, better than he had for the last couple weeks.  When I put him back in his crib after nursing he whimpered and then promptly fell back to sleep.  I was amazed.  It was as if all my prayers for his sleep these past six weeks were suddenly answered at once.  And Saturday night was even better - Michael cried for twenty minutes and then only woke up three times between 8:30pm and 7:30am.  I got to sleep for five hours straight for the first time in... I can't even remember how long.  Maybe two months.  And it was only the third time I've gotten that much sleep at one time since he was born (actually since well before he was born, as I was getting up every two hours to go the bathroom for at least the last trimester of pregnancy!).

So I am absolutely a CIO convert now.  But I am glad we waited as long as we did.  Maybe Michael would have been ready for it before four months, but I certainly wasn't.  I needed these last several miserable weeks of sleeplessness to allow me to have absolute peace that this was the right thing to try at this point.  And that peace is also due to the loving support and encouragement of family and friends - and no thanks to the multiple books and websites I consulted in an attempt to research ways to help Michael sleep better.  The only thing I learned from those websites was that he was (according to the experts on the respective ends of the spectrum) apparently destined to have some sort of complex about sleep regardless - if I let him cry it out he would feel abandoned and hate bedtime for the rest of his life, and if I didn't let him cry it out he would never learn to fall asleep on his own and so would hate bedtime for the rest of his life.  Stupid internet :)

Our sleep difficulties were peaking right around the beatification of John Paul II on May 2nd.  So Alex decided to start asking the intercession of Blessed JPII as the patron of Michael's sleep.  We praise God for the answer to prayers and continue to pray for consistent, adequate sleep for all three of us.  JPII, pray for us!

End of soccer season

Tonight was the last JV game for Regis.  Michael and I went to show our support for Alex and the girls - and they made it well worth our while by winning 5-1.  Michael was very cooperative (thankfully) and will hopefully sleep especially well after all the excitement and fresh air.  After the game Michael and I went to say hi to the team, and we instantly found ourselves in the center of a storm of high-pitched exclamations of  "Oooh, he's so cute!" and "Look, he smiled at me!"  I told Michael to get used to it -he's going to hear that sort of thing from girls all his life :)

Alex and head coach Jen talking to the girls between the periods.

Michael enjoying the game from the comfort of his stroller.

Daddy's biggest fans!

Coach Crane

Gooooo RJ!

Alleluia, alleluia

Christ is risen, He is risen INDEED!  We wish all our friends a family a most blessed Easter.  May our Risen Lord fill your hearts with the joy and hope of His Resurrection.

In the spirit of this most joyous day we're excited to be able to share a video of Michael laughing. He's been doing it for a couple weeks now, but has refused to perform for the video camera. But we have discovered that Michael thinks the phrase "is it just so silly?" is... well, just so silly :)

From Videos

Humility - a good lesson for Good Friday

I can't remember the last time I didn't go to the Good Friday liturgy.  For the past several years I have felt that I couldn't truly celebrate Easter if I didn't go; no matter how fruitful or dry my Lent was, the liturgies on Holy Thursday and Good Friday would bring everything into focus in time to truly appreciate and celebrate Easter.


Not this year.  Or rather, in a very unique way this year.  


The three of us went to Mass on Holy Thursday, although Michael and I spent the majority of it pacing in the vestibule (evening Masses are absolutely not Michael's favorite thing).  But we were there, and Alex took Michael after communion so I could stay and sing Pange Lingua - one of my favorite hymns - as the Blessed Sacrament was taken to the altar of repose.  Afterwards I was filled with a feeling of desolation which I have never experienced in that context.  All I could think of was Jesus' lament over Jerusalem: "Behold, your house is forsaken and desolate" (Mt 23:38).  The church felt forsaken and desolate - which is rather the point - and I felt it more than ever before because this year I wasn't free to follow to the altar of repose and pray there: I had to go home and put my screaming son to bed (which was much easier than anticipated, thanks be to God!).


Yesterday I didn't even think twice about our plans to go the 7pm liturgy for Good Friday.  It's just what we do.  We arrived - mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted - early enough to find seats, but not early enough to have any choice concerning those seats.  As a result we were very near the front in the middle of a pew, rather than near the back on the end - our favorite location with a fussy baby.  Michael made it partway through the gospel before he got upset and refused to nurse and calm down.  So I left with him again.  After two trips to the bathroom for diapers and finding a chair in the hallway where I could nurse and not worry about him fighting it loudly, he seemed ready to go back in.  We got back to our seat just before the veneration of the Cross started, and he was happy for all of five minutes.  Then the same thing - wouldn't nurse, would't calm down, etc.  Alex took him this time, and  I followed shortly after, feeling it would be better to be together watching from the vestibule.  By this point Michael was pretty much inconsolable.  Finally we decided that we just needed to go home.  I felt terrible leaving the church before the liturgy was over - even before having the chance to receive communion.  But we weren't skipping an obligation, and this seemed like the only way to give Michael what he needed.  He calmed down once we were far enough away from the doors to the church that it was finally quiet, and he fell asleep on the drive home.  The constant stimulation of heat and noise was just too much for him.


Needless to say, we are not going to the three hour Easter Vigil Mass tonight!  This is mildly heartbreaking, as Easter Vigil is my absolute favorite liturgy of the whole year.  But Michael is worth it (of course) - and someday he will be old enough to learn to love it as much as I do :)


It is humbling for me to not be able to fully participate in the Triduum liturgies.  During my time at the Newman Center at UNL I was aware that I wouldn't always be as free to be so focused during Mass.  I knew that once I was married and had children that there would be distractions and Mass would be a different experience.  It didn't really occur to me that I might have a baby who refused to sleep in stimulating environments and required peace and quiet to nurse in the evenings.  I assumed it would just be a matter of my own strength (what a silly idea) - that if I were willing to put up with the distractions that would be all that mattered.  But as with just about everything concerning Michael, my own strength or will or determination has very little to do with it.  Yet another offering on the altar of Motherhood.  At least I am in good company in laying aside my own will to obey God's calling:


Christ Jesus, though he was in the form of God,
did not regard equality with God
something to be grasped.
Rather, he emptied himself,
taking the form of a slave,
coming in human likeness;
and found human in appearance,
he humbled himself,
becoming obedient to the point of death,
even death on a cross.
Because of this, God greatly exalted him
and bestowed on him the name
which is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus
every knee should bend,
of those in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that
Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
-- Phil 2:6-11 NAB (the 2nd reading for Palm Sunday and the Gospel antiphon for Good Friday)


I think this is one of the most beautiful passages in all of St. Paul's letters - and that's saying a lot.  I never understood verse 6 - "though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God something to be grasped" - until I learned the Greek word that the NAB and RSV translate as "grasped."  The 1970 translation of the NAB (used in the Liturgy of the Hours) gets closer with "did not regard equality with God something to be grasped at."  The Greek word is 'αρπαγμον (harpagmon), which is better translated "exploited for personal gain."  This makes so much more sense with what Paul is saying.  Of course Jesus "grasped" his equality with God - how could he be God and not understand being God?  But he did not exploit it.  He did not use it for anything except our salvation - in accord with the Father's will.    My time and my freedom are now in service to God via serving Michael.  They've always been (supposed to be) in service to God, but now it is just a little clearer that they are not my own!


We are looking forward to celebrating the Resurrection of Our Lord tomorrow - despite (or because of) the difficulties of the last few days!