2015: Year in Review (Part II)

Part I

July

We discovered that Liam absolutely does not like anything that goes pop, snap, or bang. The 4th of July was more than a little traumatic for him...

Liam started putting together puzzles without any help and Michael made a self-motivated leap from sounding out words when prompted to reading entire books to himself (and he hasn't stopped since).

We had another lovely visit from my mom.

And John Paul continued to develop his own little unique sense of humor (a prelude to developing his own little unique sense of mischief, naturally).

August
Alex went back to school, we welcomed a new nephew, and the boys and I spent a lot of time in the basement playing Iron Chef America.

Iron Chef Michael presenting his dish to the judges

 We also started what should have been a small house project (clear the drain in our bathroom sink). But it turned into a long, drawn-out process of totally replacing the vanity and plumbing. Michael was a great helper.

September
I started my fourth year of teaching for the Denver Catholic Biblical and Catechetical Schools and worked too many late nights to finish up writing projects before going on maternity leave at the end of October.

October
We started counting down to little Colette's arrival (starting the anxious count down waaaay too soon, as usual). More late nights writing.

At the end of October my mom came out to spend a whole month with us and Alex and I took our very first baby moon and spent a night away at a lovely little bed and breakfast. I didn't get any pictures, naturally.

November
Liam turned 3.

Colette finally made her appearance on the 14th, the day after her due date. You can read more than you ever wanted to know about here birth here.

Her brothers have not stopped adoring her.

Okay, none of us have!

a special sweater made for her by a family friend

Colette was baptized on November 29th.

We were thrilled to have my mom with us for a whole month, and for Dad to join us for Thanksgiving. We were thoroughly spoiled by all the time we got to spend with my parents in 2015, and I think we are all still going through withdrawals!

December
I enjoyed my maternity leave and we worked on adjusting to life as a family of six (okay, we're still adjusting). We had a wonderful Advent and Christmas, and much to my relief neither John Paul nor Liam managed to pull the Christmas tree down on themselves during their daily un-decorating binges!

2015: Year in Review and Massive Photo Dump (Part I)

I love year-in-review posts. Well, let me clarify. I love reading other people's posts, but I find them incredibly difficult to write. They take such a long time and I find myself wondering "Wow, what did we do that month? Anything? Apparently not..." But I'll try anyway--especially since I was so horrible about blogging in 2015 AND I didn't do a Christmas newsletter.

January
We started the year out by choosing a patron saint for our family with Jennifer Fulwiler's Saint's Name Generator. Our patron for 2015 was St. Godehard of Hildesheim, feast day May 4th, patron of traveling merchants (not really applicable), and against childhood sickness (hooray!) danger at sea (not planning any transoceanic trips, but good to know), fever (hooray!), hailstorms (well, we'd love a new roof but better not to have to deal with it), Oh, and against birth pains. Well, I guess that one's wasted because we're planning on waiting a while to try for #4 and won't be delivering a baby in 2015. Ha. Hahahaha. (This, friends, is what we call foreshadowing...)

Michael turned 4.

Alex and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary.

Alex helped sponsor the high school's trip to March for Life in DC for the second year, and my wonderful parents came out to spend the long weekend with me and the boys.

February
Lots of time spent writing, *finally* got a second crib and moved JP from his little bassinet to a real crib in his own room, and, um... it was cold? See? These posts are so hard!

March

We found out we would, in fact, be having a baby this year. We took the pregnancy test on March 6th, the feast day of St. Colette--the name we'd had picked out for a girl for several years. So right from the beginning I was 99.99% sure we were having a girl.

John Paul turned 1 and took his first couple of steps.

We acquired a hand-me-down piano from my parents.

April

We spent Easter in Lincoln with my family and 7 out of 10 people in the house came down with the stomach flu. But it was a great visit anyway!

John Paul got his first hair cut and started walking in earnest.

May
We enjoyed a visit from my sister and her family.

At the end of May we went camping for the first time as a family. It was... quite the adventure. I loved camping growing up, and I hope we get to do a lot more as the kiddos get older. Camping with none of our own gear and three kids four and under was a little stressful. But it was still a beautiful weekend and some good memories.

And at the end of May we were privileged and blessed to attend the ordination of our dear friend and Liam's godfather. And somehow I didn't get any pictures except for a rather lame attempt at a family selfie on our way to the Mass. Sadness.

ignore the nose-picking going on in the backseat, please...

June

We had a gorgeous late spring/early summer and spent as much time in the yard as we could.

I turned 30, and my gut feeling was confirmed at our 20 week ultrasound when we learned that yes, we were adding a girl to the crazy mix of wild little boys.

a perfect birthday celebration at home with my boys

John Paul did not approve of the Otter Pops

We spent the last part of June visiting family in North and South Dakota. As always sleep was the hardest part of the trip, but we had a blast and the boys were such patient and fun travelling buddies.

meeting second cousins

we had a lovely visit with Alex's grandma--and despite his best attempts, John Paul did not manage to completely destroy her home OR throw himself down any crazy steep staircases

at the lovely cabin we rented with my parents and sister--it was so special to spend a week all together in the Black Hills

fishing

success!

we Rappanas are serious about our popcorn

we loved all the time with cousin James

And with that I think I'll have to make this into two parts so I don't break the internet with the number of photos in one blog post... Part II here.

Life: Not On My Terms

Not that it ever has been, of course. But sometimes it's easy to forget I'm not totally in control.

Spring Break 2007:
mojitos at the Opera Bar watching the sun set over Sydney? totally on my terms

One of the beautiful (and terrifying and messy) things about motherhood is that it constantly reminds me that I'm not really in control. I'm in charge of nearly everything, but I'm not in control.

Side note: one of the joys of that magical moment of Daddy getting home from work is that there is someone else to make a decision! To be responsible for something! To be in charge!

For all the decisions I make in any given day I still find it somewhat shocking how little of my life is on my terms. You’d think I’d get used to this. Maybe someday I will, but it is not this day! Four and a half years of motherhood haven't cured me of that particular delusion yet.

And really, the biggest (and totally uncomfortable, upsetting, shocking) piece of it all is, that life isn’t on my terms. You see where this is going, I’m sure.

Surprise!

Okay, not a surprise per se, because yes, we do know what causes that. But definitely not part of our plans at this point. And that was hard for me, because they were really responsible, good plans. Plans that we prayerfully formed around some significant health concerns on my part, among other things.

And it was also unexpected because we did everything right NFP-wise. After a lengthy discussion with our Creighton Model instructor all we were able to determine is that we apparently have the dubious distinction of being in that 1-3ish % (depending on which study you look at) for whom the method simply doesn't work the way it is supposed to. For some reason it's really important for me to throw that out there. We were using an actual, scientific, effective fertility awareness method (not the rhythm method) and we were using it correctly--but sometimes even that doesn't work. Look for further reflections on our experience with NFP at some future point because I have already been trying to write this post for several months and if I wait until I have figured out how to say everything I want to/feel like I need to say then I will never finish it!

SO. Pregnant. Surprised. Upset. Scared. Anxious. That's where I was when we found out in early March. We told family and a few friends and asked for prayers, but that was all. I wasn't ready to talk about being pregnant, especially not in a public setting like social media, until I found some peace with this situation. Let me be clear, we loved this baby even during that first week in March where I was sure I was pregnant but refusing to take a test because then there was still a chance that this was just a really bizarre cycle. I didn't want to be pregnant right now but I loved and wanted this specific child. Complicated? Maybe, maybe not. Never tell a pregnant woman her emotions don't make sense... but you probably knew that already! (Or anyone, for that matter... "You are emotional AND irrational" is not likely to be helpful in any situation, amiright?).

finally took the plunge and announced Baby #4
on Instagram and Facebook for Mother's Day

It took the entire first trimester and then some for me to come to terms with being pregnant again. Even once I had started to feel a little more excited and a little less scared, I didn't know how to start talking about this baby publicly. It wasn't just mourning the loss of my own plans and letting go of my anxieties--I felt guilty for being pregnant. And especially guilty for being pregnant and not being 100% thrilled about it.

I know so many people--family, close friends, acquaintances from college, blog friends--who are dealing with infertility and/or are grieving the loss of a child. And then here I am over here, just wishing I could somehow manage to wean one baby before getting pregnant with the next. How could I announce this new little life within me in the face of so much pain and suffering? Even more--how could I talk honestly about this pregnancy and my own struggles with it? I determined almost right away to offer my sufferings, major or minor, physical and emotional, for those struggling to conceive or grieving the loss of a child. But could I even say that to anyone? Would it just seem like salt in the wound?

I don't know. I still don't entirely know. But as time goes on and I round the bend into the 3rd trimester, it has started to feel a little ridiculous to have total blog-silence about this baby. So, here we are at 28.5 weeks, announcing the not-quite-imminent arrival of Baby #4 in November. And we are thrilled--really and truly--even as I wonder on a daily basis how I am possibly going to survive another 11ish weeks of this.

Oh, and by the way--Mama's getting reinforcements and we're all pretty thrilled about that too ;)