Embrace the Camera (vol. 2)

I'm 31 weeks now, and realized I only have one real 'belly shot' of Liam.  I have several at different stages of pregnancy with Michael, and I have it on good authority that second-borns can sometimes be a little touchy about there being fewer pictures of them than of the first-borns (*cough*Dene'*cough*).  Well, we can't start that this early with the boys, can we?  So after getting Michael to bed I made Alex take some pictures of me (because, of course, he complained horribly about me handing him the camera and telling him to point it at me... I think he may be a fan of Emily's Embrace the Camera deal).

Within Your Wounds Hide Me--Some Thoughts On Suffering

The seeds of this post have been simmering for a while now (?! hello, mixed metaphors... blame the preggo-brain and lack of sleep from, you know, being pregnant, plus the toddler's night terror Monday night).  I was all set to finish it up and post it two weeks ago, quite appropriately on the feast of St. Rose of Lima.  But instead I guess I was supposed to take some time to actually work on practicing what I was pondering.  But it's still all true, so here goes (finally)!

The Anima Christi is one of my favorite prayers.

Soul of Christ, sanctify me

Body of Christ, save me

Blood of Christ, inebriate me

Water from the side of Christ, wash me

Passion of Christ, strengthen me

O Good Jesus, hear me

Within Your Wounds hide me

Separated from You let me never be

From the evil one protect me

At the hour of my death call me

And close to you bid me

That with your saints I may praise you

Forever and ever, Amen.

At different points in the years since I've learned this prayer, different lines have been particularly close to my heart--a focus on my need for sanctification and cleansing, a desperate plea for Christ to be my strength, etc.

At this particular moment in my life (aka, motherhood), the most poignant line in this prayer for me is "Within Your Wounds hide me."  I've always thought this line was beautiful, but more recently I really stopped to think about what I was asking when I prayed it.  Asking to be drawn into closer proximity to the Wounds of Christ?  To be be ever closer to Christ... on the cross?  And therefore closer to the cross--this probably means I have to embrace my crosses more, right?  And I was reminded of a quote from Blessed Mother Teresa that my sister shared with me years ago:

"Pain and suffering have come into your life,

but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus--

a sign thatyou have come so close to Him that He can kiss you."

I remember thinking when I heard that quote... I'm not sure I want that kiss.  I should want it, I want to want it, but... (I also remember thinking, as I often do, that Dene' is so much holier than I am!)

Fast-forward to motherhood.  Chronic sleep deprivation is a kind of suffering I never even imagined.  Constantly being asked to deny myself and take up my toddler--although full of unexpected blessings, it's also full of unexpected suffering.  Being pregnant?  Surprise!  Pain and suffering can be found here, too.

So in meditating on letting Christ hide me within His Wounds, I realized that I really need to try to do a better job of offering up my suffering, instead of just whining about it (although I did garner a considerable amount of sympathy from that post...). 

A dear and wise friend once said that the closer we draw to the cross of Christ, the closer we are to one another.  Allowing myself to be hidden within His Wounds also keeps me close to others who are suffering.  You'd think it would have already occurred to me to offer up the (minor) sufferings of my pregnancy for those who can't conceive or are having difficulty conceiving, especially since there are some very near and dear to my heart who are struggling with this.  But it occurs at one particularly grace-filled moment (usually connected with Mass or actually taking time for Morning Prayer) and then quickly escapes my mind in that frustrated, tired, uncomfortable moment when I need it.

But, if you can believe it, I found a new(ish) patron saint just when I needed her!

I've loved St. Rose of Lima ever since my mission trip to Peru with FOCUS during college.  I had a vague recollection that she practiced some pretty severe penances during her life, but I was reminded during Mass on her feast day two weeks ago that one of her habitual mortifactions was to deprive herself of sleep and pray and work instead--and when she did sleep, it was on a bed of rocks and broken glass.  Yikes.  While I'm quite positive that I'm not being called to give up any dramatic amount of the precious sleep I'm still getting (although it would probably certainly do me good to get up 15 minutes earlier for some quiet time before the sleep tyrant  agent of my sanctification starts his day), I figure St. Rose could definitely help me bear my involuntary mortifications with a bit more grace.

It was while I was in Lima that I first saw a crucifix on which our Lord's wounds were portrayed as more than just a few trickles of blood at his hands, feet, and side.  I was particularly struck by the wounds on His knees.  Why those particularly wounds should have made such a strong impression I don't know--and I don't remember if the reason was readily apparent to me then.  But now when I think of that image I see it as a call to prayer--and at this point specifically a call to offer up my sufferings more faithfully.

So that's what I've been trying to do these last two weeks (while waiting for the magical combination of time and motivation to finish this post).  Don't worry--I'll still be complaining plenty (and Alex is a saint for bearing the brunt of it).  But I'm hoping to at least offer up a quick prayer begging to unite my sufferings to Christ's before mentally composing a whiny incoherent blog post at 2am while I am inexplicably and maddenly awake.

This Saying is Hard--Thoughts on the 21st Sunday in Ordinary Time

"Many of Jesus' disciples who were listening said, 'This saying is hard; who can accept it?'"  -John 6:60

I love this line from today's Gospel reading.  I find myself using it pretty regularly--"God, this situation is ridiculously hard; do you really expect me to accept it?" (Especially in those early morning/late night/no nap situations... really?  I'm really supposed to be able to get through this?  And with a good attitude?!  Ha.)

And I love that in her divinely bestowed wisdom our Church has paired this reading from the end of the Bread of Life Discourse with Paul's exhortation to spouses from Ephesians 5.  Sitting in Mass today we went directly from "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.  This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church." (Ephesians 5:31-32) to "This saying is hard; who can accept it?"

I find this pairing particularly appropriate on two different levels.  Everywhere we turn today we find people who look at the Church's teachings on marriage and sexuality and respond with "This saying is hard (and ridiculous, out-dated, oppressive, hateful, etc.); who (in their right mind) can accept it?"  How many of Jesus' 21st century disciples have walked (or drifted) away from his words of everlasting life because they are hard? 

On an even deeper level, hearing these two readings paired highlights the beautiful connections between marriage and the Eucharist.  St. Paul tells us at the end of today's reading from Ephesians that the maritial union of a man and woman becoming one flesh is a great mystery--and it is to be understood in relation to Christ and his Church.  Alex and I chose this passage as the second reading at our wedding Mass.  We did so for several reasons (one of which may or may not have been an attempt to scandalize some of our guests with the very non-PC language of submission), but primarily because we felt this one passage most clearly summarized the wedding vows.  The mystery of truly becoming one flesh in marriage requires the mutual submission about which St. Paul writes (although you may have missed the mutual part if you got the shortened version at Mass today).  As a wife, I submit to Alex.  Not as a doormat, not as a slave, not as someone whose ideas or preferences or dignity is somehow less important than his.  Rather, I do so as someone who has chosen to place herself under his mission.  In short, I submit to Alex as I do to Christ.  And I am called to do this because he is also called to submit.  This can be easy to miss in reading Ephesians 5--we hear about wives submitting first and it can be hard to get past that to fully consider what husbands are called to do in turn.  But the role of husband being discussed second actually places a stronger emphasis on the way in which he is called to sacrifice.  It's not exactly the same way--in fact, in my opinion, it's an even harder way.  As a husband, Alex is head of our family as Christ is head of the Church.  That means death--death to self for my sake, just as Christ died for the Church.  Alex is called to submit everything for my good.  That makes it pretty easy (at least in theory) for me to submit to him.

But this is still a hard saying--because I'm fallen I don't always want to submit, even when it makes sense in theory.  Thank God for the grace of the sacrament of marriage, and for the grace of the Eucharist--the sacramental marriage feast between Christ and his bride, the Church.  And just as real physical union is necessary to the sacrament of marriage, so also in our marriage to Christ we experience real physical union with God through receiving Jesus--body, blood, soul and divinity--in the Eucharist.

John is relating the reaction of many of Jesus' followers upon hearing the shocking claim that Jesus' flesh is quite literally true food and his blood is true drink.  Some of them simply cannot/will not accept this and they leave.  But Paul's sayings about marriage--both between a man and woman here on earth, and between Christ and his Church for all eternity--are also hard. 

I don't know about you, but I desperately need the first to live out the second!

7 Quick Takes (vol. 10)

--- 1 ---

It has been a ridiculously long day, courtesy of an anti-sleep toddler and some very hectic scrambling to finish things up for work before the fall semester starts on Monday.  The over-tired anti-sleep toddler is currently being put to bed by his heroic father (wish him luck, folks) and I'm trying to remember that despite working almost six hours from home today (after long days on my regular two at work days) it is, in fact, Friday night and I shouldn't be thinking about work.

There was most emphatically not enough of this today.

--- 2 ---

As a result of my need to be glued to my computer for a good chunk of the day, Michael got full doses of both Thomas and Backyardigans.  Thank you, TV nanny.  I feel like such a horrible parent... but I am thankful that my job is such that when those extra hours are required I can put them in from home.

--- 3 ---

Third trimester has kicked in with a vengeance.  In addition to everything else I definitely feel like I've started to waddle.  Alex is very sweet and reassures me that I don't look at all like I'm waddling.

--- 4 ---

But I do.  Especially when I get up and try to walk after I've been sitting for any length of time.

--- 5 ---

I've also been feeling very nest-y (which stage for some unfortunate reason I totally skipped with M).  Since I can't paint a nursery or organize baby clothes (yet!) I vented my nesting impulses by giving the blog a makeover.  Whatever it takes...

--- 6 ---

I'm also on the hunt for a new diaper bag.  The one we've been using worked well enough for one baby, but several of the pockets are fairly non-functional.  I need functional pockets, and lots of 'em.  The problem is I want something along the general lines of this, but it's apparently too feminine for Alex to carry around.  And I'm not willing to commit to being the only diaper bag handler.  Any recommendations on places to look for  a large over-the-shoulder tote bag that doesn't look at all like a purse (and has lots of pockets!)?

--- 7 ---

M still isn't asleep...  Last night he was lulled to sleep by his brother kicking him repeatedly in the stomach--maybe it's time for me to go relieve Alex and we'll just try that method again.

Go see Jen for more quick takes!

Long Days and Short Nights--An Ode to the Third Trimester

Okay, not really an ode.  More of a rant.  Or a plea for sympathy.  Or something like that.

I almost wrote this post at 1:30 this morning when, yet again, I woke up from my first couple hours of perfect sleep to a seemingly interminable period of tossing and turning.  It’s probably a good thing that I didn’t—it would have been really whiny instead of just kinda-sorta whiny.  And I’m several sips into the best latte I’ve ever had, so that will help considerably as well.